Diana Boggia: Can I help my son start his day with a sunnier attitude?

Dear Diana,

My 7-year-old son wakes up in a bad mood every day, which seems to set the tone for the entire day. It is very difficult to wake him up, get him out of bed and get ready for school. Our mornings are stressful, because nothing seems to go right for him. He has become negative and pessimistic. We have always allowed him the freedom to express himself, but often it seems he has nothing positive to say, and he hardly ever smiles. Please help.

Thanks,

Looking for a Smile

Dear Looking for a Smile,

Mornings are tough for many children, as well as adults. Initiate a relaxed conversation with him, letting him know you see him struggle in the morning. Tell him you’d like to help make it easier for him.

Ask how he would like to wake up each day. Include him in the planning process. Would he like his own alarm clock? Would he like you to tickle him awake, or rub his back? Would a glass of water or OJ help to get him going? Check for clarity.

Ask what else would be helpful to get him out of bed and out the door in a happier mood. Should clothes be chosen the night before? Should he place his backpack by the door before bed? The more involved he is with the game plan the more invested he will be with the entire process. His choices become his decisions, which empower him.

After you commit to your part (waking him up with a glass of water), get him to commit to his part (waking up with a smile). Change is not easy, but simple steps (discussion, choices, decisions and commitment) will increase communication, which is critical in identifying underlying issues.

Just recently I worked with a mom of an 8-year-old in a similar situation. She asked that her mom put on some quiet music and rub her back for a few minutes before she had to get up. It changed her whole day, as well as her overall attitude, because her mom was spending a few quality minutes with her each morning, rather than yelling for her to get out of bed.

If you don’t see improvement, you might consider contacting your pediatrician to eliminate the possibility of low-grade depression, allergies or other medically related concerns that could affect his behavior. Investigate potential social or academic difficulties in school.

Determine if he is getting enough sleep (10 to 12 hours is recommended for his age). Inadequate sleep can be displayed by flared tempers and argumentative behavior, simply because it is hard to function when we’re tired.

Once you’ve identified that he is getting enough sleep, focus on an attitude adjustment. Don’t focus on his negativity. If he is pessimistic (I know I’m going to fail my spelling test), acknowledge it with a positive, brief reply. “You’re very bright, and I’ll be happy to help you study so you’ll be prepared.” Offering your help to turn a bad situation around is supportive and gives him a choice (I can complain and fail the test or stop complaining and ask for help).

Perhaps he just needs to learn what it feels like to be happy and optimistic. I worked with a child who felt it was better to be pessimistic and not expect anything good to happen, so she wouldn’t ever be disappointed. She said that if something good did happen, it was a great surprise. What a sad way to live. For her it was simply a mindset, which we quickly turned around.

No matter what is affecting your son, you can help him find a reason to smile each day, starting first thing in the morning.

Diana Boggia, M.Ed., is a parenting educator in Stark County, Ohio, whose column appears weekly in The Repository. Send your child-rearing questions to FamilyMatters@cantonrep.com or The Repository, c/o Family Matters, 500 Market Ave. S, Canton OH 44702.