Note: To run June 28
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you were born on today's date, everyone you meet today will offer to buy you a drink. If not, you'll have a great week anyway, just because Cancer is in a good mood.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Next time ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a cat and someone threw me from a moving vehicle that way?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Awkwardness will prevail this week as your co-workers try to pretend your spontaneous Kelly Clarkson number they walked in on never happened.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): No change for Libra this week, except for the frequency and intensity of the twitching.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio would like to take this opportunity to welcome Paris Hilton back to the general population.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sagittarius would like to take this opportunity to kick Scorpio's ass.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Stop worrying so much about what your friends and family think. The opinions of educated, decent people are all that matter.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Aquarius is getting the feeling you never pay attention to it unless you want something.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You say you're not a dog person, but the panting, drooling and leg-humping completely give you away.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): It'll be just another sleepy, uneventful day. Unless, of course, you live at 117 Meadow Court.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will be disappointed to hear that no one cares you attended a Star Wars convention.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your real name will eventually be forgotten, and you will be remembered by history as The Guy With Great Pecs Who Couldn't Find a Date.
-- Madam Sarah